Advice New Mom Second baby

A Whole New World (Of Guilt)

February 28, 2017
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Why is it that there is always something new to feel guilty about as a mom? Whether it’s that you’re not doing enough or that you’re doing too much- momma guilt is always lurking. And yes, I totally have guilt that I’m spending too much time with my children sometimes (Iike, am I making them those weird super attached kids? Will they secretly resent me for forcing them to take me to prom?)

Lately my guilt has been centred around balance. I’m struggling to find balance with two kiddos. I know this is totally normal, but it’s eating me up! I want to make sure JJ feels loved and seen and that his sweet little world isn’t totally rocked by his new brother’s arrival (which I can actually say I think we’ve done a really good job with). On the flip side, I have major momma guilt that I’m not spending enough time with Levi!

When JJ was Levi’s age we were inseparable. For better or worse, that kiddo was strapped to my chest at all times. Honestly it was because I had no other choice, but I actually loved wearing him and getting to look into his perfect beautiful face all day. With Levi, sometimes I forget which room I left him in (ok, that’s an exaggeration, chill the eff out). But I really do get so much less of that quiet new baby cocoon time, and it makes me sad.

I’m gonna be real here, I exclusively breastfeed and do all of his baths. So basically the longest I’m ever apart (or not touching him) is for 2 hours, but that feels like forever. When I say it out loud I realize that I sound a little psycho/helicopter mom, but I can’t help but feel like Levi is getting less of me than Jagger did. And that hurts my soul.

I don’t have a nice bow to wrap this piece up, it’s a work in progress and something that legitimately keeps me up at night. I know the rational facts but can’t help feeling guilty and sad about this. Any words of advice or tips?

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8 Comments

  • Reply Priscilla February 28, 2017 at 8:27 am

    it gets easier as baby number two gets older. When you have two kids and one is already a little older it’s hard for them to process the fact that they must share your attention. And it’s hard as hell. But!! I found opposite schedules worked best when my little guy was born. His sister was excited, but you could see the jealousy a little. Whenever baby was napping I took advantage and spent time with my daughter. Did crafts, baked, watched movies, or simply just snuggled her. As her brother got older she realized that helping him learn new things was an advantage to her! Just give it some time. It’s okay to let new baby cry if he’s clean, fed, burped, etc… it breaks your heart, but you’re only one person. Keep kicking ass.

  • Reply Marion February 28, 2017 at 8:55 am

    Form behind my screen, you seems to be an amazing mom, and i m sure that you are for real, never forget that!
    I am sorry to tell you that you’re gonna feel guilty for almost everything for the next decades of mom life… but you already know it right? 😉

  • Nneka Gerstle
    Reply Nneka Gerstle February 28, 2017 at 9:18 am

    The guilt is awful, even with one! With six children, my mum’s guilt combating strategy was to “be fully present with each one at a time. They know when you’re giving them your best and it’s enough”.

  • Reply Marilyn Whitfield February 28, 2017 at 9:47 am

    Oh Yael dear you are doing a wonderful sharing of yourself with the boys. My daughter’s were 11 months apart I know how absolutely crasy you can feel at times. I want you to repeat GUILT is a ie less emotion 😅 Keep doing what you ate doing cherishing the moments you are spending with your beautiful sons before you know it like in a heart beat they will be heading off to University.

  • Reply Bethany Cravalho February 28, 2017 at 2:02 pm

    I hear you mama! Something that is so special is how family dynamics develop children into who they will be their whole lives (in a good way) I had 3 babies in 3 years and my middle child is so independent and confident! He is strong and able to hold his own! He is still very much a mom mamas boy which is so nice (and healthy) I pay extra attention to him when he asks for my attention since that’s not typical for him. Your children will be all unique in their own amazing way because seasons change and it develops gifts and strength in them! Keep it up mama! You are doing amazing!

  • Reply Stefanie Arend March 1, 2017 at 12:08 am

    Hey Yael,
    these are beautiful and very honest words, thank you for that! I know what that feels like, I have been there, too, with my two girls. My feelings of guilt that I am not doing enough for them only changed when I replaced my self-imposed perfectionism with mindfulness. I stopped doing multi-tasking (e.g. talking on the phone while breastfeeding) and gave my kids all of my attention. That little change gave me all the balance I needed and my kids reflected it by being happy babies. You are giving your children sooo much love and they feel all of it. Every mother is doing her best according to her own possibilities. Guilt shouldn’t have any room there at all! Also, the little souls already choose their families before we even know it and they are absolutely ok with being a sibling and maybe getting a little less one-on-one-time with their parents than the first-born kids. They are oftentimes born with a very humble personality which you can usually already feel while they are still inside of you. You are doing great! Blessings, love and light to all of you!
    Stefanie

  • Reply Heather Jantz March 3, 2017 at 7:22 am

    My oldest is 16… middle is 3 and the new one is now 3 months. The guilt never leaves! In fact I think back sometimes and worry that I wasn’t as present or attentive with my first as the other two (I was incredibly young when I had my first) and then new guilt arrives! lol It’s so wildly impossible to be everything to everyone at once but it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. Kids will only remember how we made them feel, not how many hours we spent with one and not the other. 🙂 How loved they were… your face always around when they needed you… that’s what they will remember. Be easy on yourself, this is tough!

  • Reply Samantha McGary March 10, 2017 at 9:33 am

    I’ve just had my second 2 weeks ago and my first will be 2 in April!! The mommy guilt is real and I love hearing I’m not the only crazy one. I’ll try to run an errand with my oldest for literally an hour to make her feel special and feel like the worst mommy in the world. As long as I’m trying my best I know they will recognize it. Reality says my youngest won’t turn into a hoodlum because I left him with daddy or Auntie while I catch a nap. But it still hurts my heart just as much.

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