For a pretty fearless, self-assured lady, I sure did have some crazy jitters around the labor and delivery of my now-healthy baby boy Grayson.
I’m talking about the bat-shit-crazy-thoughts that would pass through my mind as the BIG day approached. One that would make anyone fall off their chair. Laughing at me. Scratching their heads. Mocking me. But because of the nature of Grayson’s birth and having to go through the biggest surgery I’ve ever had (C-section), my mind couldn’t help but go to the dark side. Or stupid side, however which way you see it.
Jitters would be putting it mildly. My partner was constantly trying to ease my mind, as was my mother – the passionate and experienced nurse – and my supportive friends who had already been through childbirth. NOTHING would calm me. I was convinced that something was going to go wrong because, after all, I was of “advanced maternal age”, I had been diagnosed with GDM and had a penchant for chocolate, I probably ate one too many soft-boiled eggs and unpasteurized honey and that sip of red wine was something I probably should have held back on, so I was doomed. Something was going to go sideways or my baby was going to be born with some incurable disease or two heads. This was going to be just another Thursday, I tried to tell myself.
For any woman who has endured a C-section, this ain’t no joke. From the pre-op preparation and learning of the risks involved with the procedure to the actual surgery and intense, long recovery. If I had it my way, I would have had a natural birth, but unfortunately baby Grayson was in a breech position and just wouldn’t budge. My jitters around this consumed me. I tried acupuncture to help move him and other odd contortions that promoted turning, but my kid was just as stubborn as me and stayed put.
But I had to constantly remind myself that I was not alone. Most women who have carried a child have had similar thoughts. There is just something so infinitely amazing about creating a human then giving birth to one. It’s science at its most amazing-self and I had to tell myself that everything was going to be alright, but there was also the thought of everything possibly going wrong because it could. But I had to learn how to put those thoughts aside because what was going to be, was going to be. The worrying and the jitters never end at the birth of a child, they will continue throughout their life, because as moms it’s just how we operate, function and show our love. My father told me this: the worrying never stops, you just have to do the best you can with what you have and love unconditionally.
My consumption of coffee and wine just increased a little bit, but if it’s worth the peace of mind, please don’t judge 🙂