Miscarriage

Things I Wish I Knew: Miscarriages Happen and They Suck

April 19, 2016
ml_miscarriage

You spend so much of your life trying not to get pregnant, and then when you’re ready, sometimes the universe isn’t.

Scott and I got pregnant before we got married, anyone with a basic understanding of math can figure that out. I heard snickers of a shotgun wedding, but what those assholes didn’t know was that we started trying for a baby as soon as we got engaged. We wanted the “forever”, we wanted to start our life and family the second we could. Right after we got engaged we got pregnant (I got pregnant, he got an excuse to gain weight with me). We bought the pregnancy books and pillows. We flew in our parents to tell them. There were tears and giggles, it was truly one of the most special nights of my life. The next day I started cramping a little, but thought it was just part of my body beginning to belong to someone else. In the middle of the night I started bleeding. It was painful and scary and we didn’t know what to do. So we went to the emergency room. 8 hours later after sticking everything in the emergency room up me- we knew nothing. They couldn’t tell if I was miscarrying yet. We had to wait 36 hours for another scan to tell us definitively. In those 36 hours I convinced myself it was all ok a million times. Monday came and my sweet, sweet Doctor told me we’d lost our little love.

ML_miscarriagesobMy heart ached in a way I’d never imagined. I’d only just starting growing this little life, but had already become so very attached. Attached to my unborn child, and to the idea of being a mother. The following weeks were devastating. I turned off my phone and spent the days trying not to cry my broken heart out tear by tear. I remember only blurs of the next few weeks. One thing I’ll never forget is sobbing in a ball on the shower floor, wondering what I did wrong.

I spiraled, was it something I did? The workout? The food? The way I slept? Malnourished people in third world countries and crack addicts have perfectly healthy babies, what’s wrong with me that I can’t? Why can’t I? People told me it was God’s wish, which only made me feel worse— why would God do this? Was I not fit to be a mother? Was I not good enough? People told me it was all for a reason. What fucking reason.

Nothing made me feel better. But I did find calmness in the fact that our bodies are smarter than we are, and my body ended this pregnancy because something wasn’t right. I don’t think I ever fully healed until I had JJ, and could accept that without that deep guttural loss, I wouldn’t have my perfect little boy.

Initially I found myself in a precarious position. I hadn’t yet told my best friends that I was pregnant so didn’t know how to tell them that I needed love and support “Hey, I was pregnant, but I’m not anymore and I don’t know how to function because I’m heartbroken”. So when we got pregnant the next time, instead of waiting until 12 weeks to tell people, we decided to only tell the people we’d want to tell if we miscarried again.

Two things stuck me in this whole experience:

1.  People don’t know what to say. Of the people I had told, what really hurt was that some said nothing, they pretended it didn’t happen. I now know it wasn’t malicious but that they didn’t know what to say.

2.  It’s so, so common and we don’t talk about it. So I’m going to shout it from the rooftops. You didn’t do anything wrong, 20% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. You’re not alone and you’re not crazy. I don’t care if it was just a ball of cells, to you it was your unborn child, so you get to feel whatever you’re feeling. You don’t need to be strong or brave— you can be vulnerable and broken, because miscarrying fucking sucks. I’m so sorry to all of you who have lost little loves, and I’m so sorry that our society has taught us that this is something to talk about in hushed tones and quiet rooms. To the girlfriends who showed up, checked in and shared their own stories- I will forever be grateful.

And mom, thank you for picking me up and putting me back together.

19 Comments

  • Reply Katie G April 19, 2016 at 4:06 pm

    I could have written every word here (not as well though). Had the exact same experience. Needs to be talked about more, for sure!

  • Reply Jessie Kay Carlson April 19, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    I had two miscarages in a row one right after the other and I was also heartbroken ! I felt the pain you went through that’s for sure! It’s crazy when you see that positive pregnancy test how you instantly become momma bear and want everything to go right and you think about the baby and what it’s going to look like is it going to be a girl or boy and all the first time parent emotions! I just had my first Son in February after trying for 2 years and I love being a mommy but I also agree it’s fucking hard and that’s the reality! Instagram: @jkcarlson
    Thanks for posting these blogs I feel not so alone being a new mommy everything you’ve posted has explained how I feel to the T!!

  • Reply Erin Gibson April 19, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    I miscarried shortly after my husband and I married. I felt broken in a way that didn’t seem possible. I had only known for a few weeks how do you grieve a loss that doesn’t seem tangible yet? I blamed myself, was it age, weight, diet etc. We had been so excited we told close friends and immediate family. Making those calls was torture. Some didn’t know what to say, one person said oh they happen all the time I know someone who had 6 and I thank god for my best friend who picked me up and helped put my heart back together along with my husband. Who would have known that a few short years later I would do this for her multiple times until she had her miracle baby! A few months later I got pregnant again & immediately began bleeding. I don’t think I relaxed even after the 3 month mark and refused to buy or celebrate until I was 8 months. I look back at that time with sadness because my fears were so great I didn’t allow myself to enjoy it all. He’s 8 now and his brother just turned 6 Sunday and I still feel like I didn’t know I was capable of loving two humans this much!

  • Reply Valerie Weisman April 19, 2016 at 4:56 pm

    Oh my goodness. So well written and so glad you shared. I had a similar experience and had I known at the time how incredibly common it was to miscarry, it could have helped minimize the pain and fear. If you’re interested to read, I wrote about it here: http://livinginthenowbyval.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/ive-got-dreams-of-loving-you.html?m=1
    We had moved to London from NYC and we were going through all of this alone. Helped to write it out and inform other women of this all too common occurrence. Thanks again for sharing.

    • Reply Valerie Weisman April 19, 2016 at 5:02 pm

      I should also share that I had a healthy pregnancy and now have 1 year old baby boy!! If we could just see into the future during those tough times 😉

  • Reply Izzy April 19, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    This is so touching. I’m sitll young and not thinking about getting pregnant yet but still I know I want to be a mother one day. I’m so sorry that it happened to you but as we can see now you’re very strong and brave enough to share this with us. Sending you all my love and can’t wait to see what you’re gonna do with this little place of yours 🙂

  • Reply Carrie Fleming April 19, 2016 at 6:58 pm

    Wow. Amazing. I suffered a miscarriage only 2 months ago, I started bleeding at 11 weeks & was told when I wenot for a scan that my baby was only measuring at 8 weeks & had no heartbeat. I have a son already to a previous partner who has a serious heart condition & this baby was my partners first. I was broken, still am & struggle day to day. I couldn’t understand why my poor babies always seem to suffer but it’s good to know how others areally feeling & that I’m not alone. Will take every day as it comes & wait for another miracle baby x

  • Reply Samantha McGary April 19, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    Thanks for sharing! It’s great to hear I wasn’t the only one feeling those emotions. Sharing my feelings comes difficult for me so I didn’t talk to anyone not even my husband about it. (He knew of course) Thanks for opening up and I look forward to additional posts. ♡

  • Reply Lizi Klein April 19, 2016 at 7:34 pm

    You will touch and move so many people with this beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. We need more brave women like you.

  • Reply Jennifer Balliet April 19, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Thank you, for another mother who has gone through the same emotions.

  • Reply Katherine Kennedy Allen April 19, 2016 at 7:52 pm

    Yael- Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. "You don’t need to be strong or brave— you can be vulnerable and broken, because miscarrying fucking sucks." this resonates with me, and I imagine so many women, in so many ways. Your honesty is an inspiration. JJ is lucky to have you as a mother.

  • Reply Courtney Nero April 19, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. I am 24 years old and had 3 miscarriages within 1 year and doctors can not tell me why. I was like you 100% (you litterally took the words right out of my mouth) …all I wanted was a baby…a family. Miscarriage sucks, especially when I would go to the hospital for each one and everyone would say "oh well you’re young, it will happen eventually." Well people that is not the point!
    My first miscarriage I had to deliver her in a hospital, my 2nd I had to pass at my home, and the 3rd I had a DNC. It has been a crazy, hard, confusing, upsetting, emotional year. If it would not be for my husband, I honestly do not know what I would have done or where I would be.

    I am so happy you had your rainbow baby! Everyone deserves a family…glad yours continues to grow!

  • Reply FERAS G April 20, 2016 at 12:20 am

    So powerful. Thank you for sharing. I haven’t got pregnant yet, but, you know, I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome , and I’ve had this feeling for a while that I might have a miscarriage one day, when I decide to havee babies. I’ve seen women with my condition go through this more than once, and I can’t imagine the hell it is.

    I don’t know if it will ever happen to me, but, somehow, this words got deep inside of me. Thank you for that. It makes me feel stronger somehow.

  • Reply Alvina Wong April 20, 2016 at 3:19 am

    This article is so raw, real and honest. It is the reality for many women out there yet it is taboo to talk openly about it. To talk openly about our grief, the pain, heartache, confusion, anger and roller coaster of emotions.
    I have had 4 consecutive miscarriages within 2.5 years, all of which were within the first 7 weeks. Each and every time we are cautiously optimistic and hopeful. But the fact of the matter is, each and every time it gets more difficult to grieve and to try to grasp an understanding of how and why. This is the reality for many and part of the grieving and healing process is to allow yourself to speak openly and honestly about it. It is part of your story; raw, honest and emotional.
    Thank you SO much for this article!

  • Reply Kenny Hamilton April 20, 2016 at 9:40 am

    This is always one of the hardest subjects. I dealt with a miscarriage back in 06/07 and it was my girlfriend at the time (who became my wife) and I’s first pregnancy. It wasn’t planned but she made it towards the end of her first trimester when it happened. We had names picked out for a boy or girl and I started buying unisex clothes and toys because I was so happy to be a father. I know hard hard it is for women. I wish there was a course for men because I had no idea how to help my girl at the time get through this. She was broken, as well as I. I think this is just one of the processes of life that a book or manual can’t explain. Conversation can though, thanks for sharing and getting the talks started.

  • Reply Bethany Stephens Parker April 21, 2016 at 2:33 am

    THANK YOU for writing a honest, genuine and heartfelt blog. As a women who suffered 12 miscarriages and now a parent of two healthy children, I applaud you speaking up and sharing your experience. #daretobevunerable

  • Reply Charlotte DUTRUC-LAPUTRAZ April 21, 2016 at 7:36 pm

    Hi Yael

    Thank you so so much for being honest and so vulnerable with us, it means so much.

    This article is one of the most beautiful I have ever read!

    Much Love

    Charlotte

  • Reply Jolien Sanders April 25, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Thank you Yael. For sharing and being so honest. I miscarried once and I understand completely how you felt. Every word you write… I could have written it. In February I lost my baby girl directly after birth due to a hart condition. Part of the healing process is to allow yourself to speak openly about it and this is only possible if people allow you to. This shouldn’t be such a taboo (here in The Netherlands it’s the same). Why not talk about it? It can help, because it’s exactly as you say: I wish I knew that miscarriages happen. You are not strange, you didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t your fault. I wish I knew.
    Thank you!!

  • Reply Melanie Tocco June 20, 2016 at 12:18 am

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for putting my feelings into coherent sentences, thank you for making me feel less alone and a touch braver.

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