I’m back … kind-of! Throwing kid #2 to the mix and trying to keep the business running is NO JOKE … that’ll be my next post (maternity leave ‘lite’).
One month. I think it’s the longest, most isolating/boring/exhilarating month of the motherhood process. It’s the month where I come to grips with the fact that I’ll never be the same again. One month. That’s all it takes to be broken at every possible level and somehow emerge more complete. It’s 30 days of cursing the fact that I’m a woman in one breath and claiming absolute responsibility and pride for the opportunity in another. I’m nearly a month into being a mother of 2 and very much feel the tension of sadness that comes with losing temporary independence and the contentment that comes with knowing our family is complete.
That tension can be a bitch in the middle of the night when you’re running on 5 weeks worth of 2 hour naps. It’s when the gremlins of your 20 year old self come out and say, “See. This is why I didn’t want kids. You’re deduced to being a human vending machine who doesn’t leave the house and thinks shopping for a mini van is a logical next move.”
That first month is where the clash of what was and what’s to come duke out their differences in the middle of the night and leave your mind wrecked like a civil war battle field. The problem is that both are true. You totally WERE someone else before having this child. The problem is that, who you’ll BECOME as a result of being a mom, is so unclear when you’re knee deep in sleep depravation, heightened hormones and broken vaginas. So all you have is the reality that nothing feels familiar and everything seems endless. This forever purgatory.
But let me tell you. Your body starts to heal. Your mind and boobs begin to level out. Your child starts to become more human every day and less like a blob and suddenly, as if overnight, you catch a glimpse of the kind of person you’re becoming in this insane transition. And while she isn’t someone your 20-something self would jump at the chance to emulate, she’s absolute perfection. Because she’s real. She’s honest. She’s powerful. And she’s the best gift this new tiny person could have ever received.