Normal is not the first word that comes to mind when I think of myself and being pregnant. I may look all calm and cool from the outside, but I’m secretly scared shitless and losing my mind at least twice a day.
25 weeks in and I’m STILL feeling those pangs of paranoia. Is my baby still alive? Is that a kick or just gas? Is my belly shrinking or growing? Is my baby healthy? I still ask the doctor to give me an ultrasound every time I go in. Juuuuuust to make sure. I still get Nate to put his hand on my belly to feel movement, making sure it was real. I’m sure he thinks I’m nuts. I’m sure he’s just going along with it to make me feel better. Bless his heart, but I know it’s all BS.
I know I’m past the ‘safe’ zone of 12 weeks and everything is fine and progressing as normal, and baby is as healthy as he/she can be.
Then I read an article about a couple who miscarried at four months.
Gulp. There I go again, into the depths of my paranoia, freaking out, knowing this can happen to anyone at any time.
As you can see, my paranoia is still in full swing, but I am learning how to deal with it and just calm the f*** down so that I can enjoy this time in my life. It could very well be the only child I have, so I’ve learned to meditate for five minutes a day, take all things in moderation, and as the Big O once told me, when you know better, you do better. That and finding comfort in my amazing network of close friends, most of whom have children and can sympathize. They are my calm button, my reality check, my saviors.
But, I’m gonna keep it for realz here, people. As glorious, amazing and life-altering as bringing a child into this world can be, it still comes with its downfalls, scary moments, overwhelming emotions, happiness and paranoias. You ARE creating a human after all and when you realize what goes into that you really start to understand how things can go oh-so wrong. Taking blood tests then waiting for results, getting ultrasounds then waiting for results. Oh, did I mention it gets worse the older you are? At 39 years of age, according to medical professionals, I’m of ‘advanced maternal age’. Way to make me feel special. Science is some crazy shit and I now have a VIP ticket in the front row.
At this point I’ve already experienced two miscarriages, so the fact that I’ve even gotten this far still amazes me, but it’s happening and there is no turning back now! Hormones are starting to kick in (yes… I cry at the dumbest things…. and I’m still not sure why, but I chalked it up to hormones), baby is starting to kick and move more, and my sugar cravings are Out. Of. Control.
So for all of those women out there who are pregnant, know this first: it’s not just you, it’s totally normal to feel a bit paranoid during this amazing time in your life. Do more of taking care of yourself, embracing this moment in your life, and try not to beat yourself up too much. Whatever it takes, know that it’s going to be ok. What is meant to be is meant to be. And remember, pregnant women are some of the strongest humans on this planet. #truth.
You got this.