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Wall Of Shame

June 6, 2017
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It happens every year, how do I not see it coming? (Cause if I did, I would prepare my kid like he’s cramming for the SATs and then brace myself). On Mother’s Day, like clockwork, a bunch of questions are posed to our unsuspecting and, more importantly, unfiltered little spies and then plastered all over the walls of the preschool hallways for all to see (read: judge). Discretion was never my kids’ strong suit. Thankfully, most kids are just as loose-lipped as my own and some live in households that make my daily gong show look like Leave it to Beaver.

While some questions could be described as cute or sentimental, others are nothing short of leading the witness “What is your mom’s favorite drink?” Come on. If it’s not wine or coffee, can you really call yourself a mother? I compiled a few thoughts based on my small sample size. Without further ado, here are some of the highlights of this year’s batch of Mother’s Day questionnaires:

 

How old is your mom?

It’s funny how much this answer varies, kids almost never have a clue, the exception being a recent milestone (#thisisforty)… Lots of 10s, a couple of 12s, some kids’ moms are teenagers (hardly), and there was even a 60 (that kid’s not getting dessert until she’s, well, 60)

 

My mom and I like to:

Watch Dr Phil and eat chips. (Oh God)

Sneak donuts even though daddy says we need to cool it on the donuts. (Oh daddy, you’re such a buzzkill)

Play hide and seek. (AKA: You hide and I’ll come looking for you in 20 minutes when I’m done scrolling through Instagram)

 

My mom really loves:

To drop me off at school. (Hell yeah)

Shoes and purses. (Good girl)

Carpets!!! (Ummmm?)

 

My mom likes to say:

Ok, again, so much room for this to go terribly wrong.

“Go to bed.”  

“Eat your lunch or no treats for a year.”

“Go the F to sleep.” (I know that mom. I love that mom)

“Your brain will shrivel up if you watch too much tv.”

“Eat your breakfast or we’re not doing anything fun today.” (Harsh)

“Clean up your toys or I’m giving them away to a kid who doesn’t have any.” (Forceful with a dash of socially conscious – well played, fellow mom)

 

My mom is really good at:

Sleeping in. (Trade lives with me)

Shopping. (Sorry, husband)

Texting. (At least he didn’t say sexting, I guess)

 

My mom loves to eat:

Only salad. (Not true, sometimes I put grilled chicken on it)

French fries and dessert off daddy’s plate. (We all know those calories don’t count)

Avocado  toast. (I hate this mom).

Donuts but she never does. (See “only salad,” above)

 

My mom loves to drink:

A lot. (There really are no secrets in my house)

Double tall latte, extra hot. (This kid is paying attention)

Coffee in the morning and cocktails at night (fuck I hope this kid is cool cause I’m setting up a play date with his mom ASAP).

 

My mom’s job is:

Vacuuming.

Typing on the computer and yelling at us to be quiet.

Chauffeur.

Yoga. Just yoga.

Putting water in our cups. (I wonder what her benefits package looks like…)

 

If she had time she would like to go:

On a girls trip without my daddy.

To Napa.

To Hawaii alone.

(All of the above)

 

If I could go anywhere in the world with her it would be:  

To Nordstrom. (Atta girl)

For mani pedis. (My people)

 

I love it when she:

Plays Lego with me all day. (That mom deserves a medal, 10 minutes in I’m ready to jam a brick into my eye)

Plays loud music and dances in her underwear. (Again, no cone of silence where I live)

Loves me (MIC DROP)

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