I’ma be real here- I was a freaking mess when JJ was born. I had zero experience with babies (they’re so tiny and fragile and wiggly) and I had zero idea what the hell to do with him most of the time (Do you read to them day one? Do they want to play right away? Do they need water? The list goes on…). So naturally I felt overwhelmed and underprepared. This manifested in a super fun way.
How fun exactly? Well, I was so tightly wound that I once cried because I needed to pee and JJ was sleeping next to me (he was in a bassinette and almost certainly would have survived the 42 seconds alone). I woke him to bring him with me finally. Then cried because he wouldn’t go back to sleep. It was really a delightful few months for me.
I wouldn’t let anyone touch (nevermind actually help with) JJ. I thought it was my job and my job alone to somehow know what to do, how to do it, and to be able to do it alone. This obviously made me less than awesome to be around. It’s a miracle my husband didn’t leave me some days. (Granted, it’s a miracle I didn’t leave him some days, so it evens out!)
I didn’t enjoy anything except my baby for a long time. I found no joy in the things I used to, and I felt tired, distant and boring when hanging out with friends. I definitely had the baby blues. The shitty part is that I didn’t realize it at the time. I thought this was my new normal and that motherhood meant giving up such a big part of who I was, giving up enjoying things that were for me, giving up being young and fun.
How wrong I was. Now that my anxiety is under control (mostly because I know what I’m doing. Ok, that’s a lie; I don’t know, but I’m more confident in my decisions, and know that nothing is the end of the world- it can all be fixed), and I actively work on finding time for me and doing things that I enjoy – I’m a whole new person. And no, I’m not as fun as I once was. I can’t decide to hop on a plane last minute or party until the sun comes up; but I get to wake up to my children. I get to experience the world through their eyes, see awe in the ordinary and laugh at the benign. And I’ll take that over a hangover anyday. Correction: I’ll take that over a hangover most days 😉